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IN THIS ISSUE

• Jack Peaker fondly remembers his first car
• Pat Moore writes about her teetotaler mother-in-law
• Catherine Green shares some exciting medical advice
• Don Holland envies Australia its numerous holidays
• Don Henderson forwards a number of handy camping tips
• Don Henderson, Jay, and Tom Telfer suggest interesting sites

Jack Peaker has mostly happy memories of his

FIRST CAR

As a dedicated car buff, my first "wheels", with over 25 successors, had to play a significant role in my memory bank.

The year was 1949, putting me at the tender age of 25.

I don´t recall how I heard about the 1935 Packard roadster for sale in Hamilton. Its $600 cost had taken a long time to save. An experienced car buyer told me to get a paper, signed by the owner, stating that the car was free of all liens and encumbrances, etc.

It was quite an automobile: yellow in colour, and with a rumble seat that was opened from a handle in the front compartment. The hood was the longest of any vehicle I have ever owned, in order to accommodate the huge straight-8 engine. The car was also wide - in fact, too wide to go between the houses where I boarded, and had to be left on Queen Street in Toronto´s east end. That was a problem.

The next problem arose one morning at Acme Carbon & Ribbon Company where I worked, when the bailiff came up the stairs to the office. He was there, he stated, to take the car away as the previous owner owed money on it. My employer, a very gruff fellow, said, "You are not taking this boy´s car." That was when the piece of paper signed by the previous owner absolved me of blame and allowed me to keep the precious vehicle.

It would truly be valuable today. I have found only one similar classic Packard roadster, in the car museum in Victoria, and it is now closed down, I hear.

It remained in my possession for as short a time as any of my cars. Having to park it on the busy street was frowned upon at Kew Beach. Sadly, the only solution was to take it to my brother in the Ottawa area. The five-hour trip up there was made with the top down, permitting a rosy sunburn. With the several convertibles I owned in later years, I learned that having the top down was most effective in the romantic summer evening hours after sunset.

On arriving at my parents´ home in Manotick. I learned of a family reunion at some relatives. What an opportunity to show off my 14-year- old beauty! Better luck still, Kay was at the reunion. She was certainly impressed, but alas, when she accompanied me on a trial run, a tree stump, in conjunction with the low-slung muffler, suddenly created a roar that more than got the attention of the hundred or so people in attendance on that quiet Sunday afternoon. The unmuffled sound of the big straight-8 motor left no doubt as to its tremendous power.

Yes, there were some misgivings about leaving my first car in the not- so-loving care of my brother Jim. Secretly, though, I was somewhat relieved.

It faded into oblivion, never to become a classic like its double that was on display in Victoria.

CORRESPONDENCE

Pat Moore writes: The story in The Tale Spinner of Grandmother´s drinking - for medicinal purposes - reminded me of an event from many years ago.

My mother-in-law was a very proper and strict Presbyterian and in honour of her upbringing, was a very proud and regal lady. Therefore "drink" would never touch her lips - the saying of those days.

However, she had a housekeeper who was with her for years and was a faithful friend and caregiver as my mother-in-law developed Parkinson´s disease in her 40s. She also had a wicked sense of humour and told my very strict M-in-law that a concoction made from an old family recipe made from potatoes was good for the digestion and promoted good health. Every day, just before the main meal, which was always at noon, set in the main dining room, and dressed accordingly, she insisted my M-in-law walk through the pantry to test the current batch to make sure it was doing well and would get her opinion.

After dinner, M-in-law would have a long nap - which would also give the housekeeper a chance to have some free time.

I had heard of this long before marrying, but dinner at my home was always at night so it was a long time before I was there for a dinner at noon.

I felt quite honoured to be invited to also attend the "testing" tradition and gladly tasted a glass of the potato medicine - and it nearly knocked me over! I am sure it was 90% proof - needless to say, I needed a nap that afternoon too.

Speaking of "booze", Catherine Green forwards this

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you´re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn´t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all- night rounds of strip poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good dry Merlot!

Pat Moore forwarded this essay written by Dan Holland:

AUSTRALIAN HOLIDAZE

March 9th is a holiday in Australia. Actually, it´s three holidays, according to my Dilbert page-a-day calendar (the source of my exhaustive Australian holiday knowledge).

Admittedly, a cartoon strip calendar may not be the best means of an education, but it comes in handy.

Which holidays, you ask? Why, Eight Hours Day, Labour Day, and Commonwealth Day! Of course, this begs the question, just how does one country end up with three holidays on the same day? Was there a contest? You know, create a holiday and win a case of beer?

"Hey Sid! Whotcha doin´ there?"

"Oi, Nigel! I´m gonna win me a slab a beer!"

"Go on!"

"Naw, really. Prime Ministah´s got a contest - cobble up a new holiday and get ´cherself twenty-four tinnies. I thought I´d give it a bash."

"I´ve always said the PM is true blue! Wot´s yer holiday gonna be?"

"I call it ´Eight Hours Day´. Get this! Ya drink the amber liquid for eight hours straight!"

"Good onya! That´s a winnah!"

Now by this point I´m guessing that my more discriminating friends will be jumping up and down and saying things like, "Hey, monkey- brain! Eight Hours Day is just another name for Labour Day!" And then they´ll point out that these "two" holidays are really just the same holiday that´s celebrated in different Australian territories on the same day.

But to me, that´s just icing on the cake.

Apparently, with a little careful planning, a savvy Australian could celebrate Labour Day four times during the year simply by being in the right territory at the right time. And because the Queen´s Birthday isn´t really celebrated on her birthday (which would be way too plebian) it´s possible to catch that holiday twice by being in Western Australia on September 28th and anywhere else in Australia on June 8th. (Which makes me wonder: does the Queen age twice as fast in Australia as in other parts of the Commonwealth? It might explain why she so seldom visits.)

I have to admit that having a holiday land on different days inside the same country does seem a bit disorganized to me.

In America, we all celebrate our holidays at the same time, sometimes sweeping together completely different holidays - like Washington´s Birthday and Lincoln´s Birthday into President´s Day - just to make things more tidy. The idea that, say, Texas might be celebrating different holidays from the rest of us seems odd. (Although to be honest, we´re not really sure what goes on in Texas. There could be whole slew of Texan holidays that the rest of us have never heard of - no doubt involving guns and pick-up trucks.)

We Americans are already hopelessly confused that Canada celebrates Thanksgiving in October and not in November where it belongs - and they´re a completely different country. (Well, more or less.) Apparently, the Pilgrims didn´t send them the memo.

Completing the March 9th holiday triumvirate in Australia is Commonwealth Day, which seems to be one of those new-age, touchy- feely anti-holidays. (This year´s topic: diversity.) Apparently, it falls on the second Monday in March precisely because that´s the day most children are in school in the Commonwealth.

Now there´s a cruel joke. "Here´s a lovely little holiday, Johnny. But you still have to go to school." It´s a pity, too, because March would be perfect picnic weather in Australia on account of it being ... you know ... upside down and all.

You have to understand that we Americans are just jealous. After New Year´s Day, we don´t get any decent holidays until Memorial Day in May. Valentine´s Day and St. Patrick´s Day are okay, I guess, but we don´t get those days off. You have to celebrate them on your own time, as it were. And Martin Luther King´s Day is only a holiday for government employees - the rest of us still have to go to work.

We´d take any holiday in March, let alone three of them all at the same time.

And so, Australia, since you have an excess of holidays in March and we don´t have any, I wonder if we could start a Holiday-For-Loan program. We´ll trade you Washington´s Birthday for some under-used Australian holiday like Canberra Day, for example.

Anything, really, as long as we can eat hotdogs and drink beer. You have to admit, it would look good on your scorecard when you´re celebrating diversity on Commonwealth Day this year.

Just in time for the holiday season, Don Henderson sends us

SOME CAMPING TIPS

* When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

* Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

* When smoking a fish, never inhale.

* A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

* The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

* Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

* While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

* Effective January 1, 2010, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

* Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

* You´ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

* You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

* When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

* You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

* Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

* The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

* It´s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

* Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

* A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.

* In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

THIS WEEK´S SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Don Henderson writes: To everyone who has received the e-mail about cheating at the gas pumps: It really is a hoax, even though Snopes can´t absolutely confirm that, because no one can check every pump in North America. But since this originated in the States early in 2008 and suddenly appeared in Canada in May 2009, it certainly is a hoax.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/gasoline/cheating.asp

Don also investigated the UPS Fedex message, which contains a vicious virus:

http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/ups.asp

Jay used Microsoft´s new search engine, bing.com, (http:// arunaurl.com/3324) to look for "Tale Spinner Sansum" with these results:

http://arunaurl.com/3373

Tom Telfer asks: When imagery on the internet becomes this good, why bother leaving home?

http://photo.photojpl.com/tour/08toureiffel/08toureiffel.html